Merciless Rhetoric

In the Industry, we call this one a “Tough Sell”

2012-01-10T20:24:00.000-08:00

We are currently presented with a unique opportunity. In seventy five years, right around the time I plan on dying, the world human population will likely be over 10 billion people. That could mean mass food and fresh water shortages, but it really depends on how people collectively approach the situation. I believe we have just enough time to make a difference in the future and whether or not humans survive to see the next century. If even a majority of people get involved with tackling pollution, climate change and human rights abuses, human ingenuity can lead us to a bright future. Let’s not do that.

My generation is going to have the last chance to wallow in hedonism and dump the consequences onto the next group. Every other one has done it, and we should too. Think about it. No caring about the planet or other living things, just taking life for granted. Bury something non-biodegradable in your local wetland, burn plastic stuff just to see what kind of colours it makes. Things will be beyond repair right around we die of a ripe old age with giant, cancerous smiles.

Now it may be argued that there will be enough responsible people to limp mankind along, with technology as our double sided sword/crutch and all around confused metaphor. But that’s overlooking an important factor: stupid people. As the population grows, the number of stupid people will inevitably climb. And the planet, let alone civilization, has never had to deal with that level of wandering dumbasses before. Technology, rather than being a crutch or something, will become a weapon in the hands of the stupid masses. Things like flying cars are just more versatile objects for idiots to crash while texting.

Furthermore, what has the future generation ever done for us anyway? If humanity survives and technology keeps improving, that means at some point in the future there’s a hyper-advanced city of people will the technology to solve all our problems, looking at time machine and deciding that us “past-people” can fuck ourselves. Well fuck you too, you future-dicks, let’s see how smug you are when we poison the water supply.

Film Review "Happiness"

2011-09-22T21:09:00.001-07:00

True story, just under halfway through this movie I got up and washed some dishes. For once I didn't mind, because I had finally experienced something more tedious than scrubbing pots.

The storyline revolves around a handful of unhappy people with their own unique failures and quirks, mostly involving sex. There's the creepy chronic masturbator (Phillip Seymour Hoffman at such a stretch playing a malcontent) who calls random women on the phone for the ol heavy breathing technique, followed by building some weird collage with his man-spirit as glue. There's also a woman that no one likes, (that girl from Frasier who played Niles girlfriend for a while) and her sister's husband Bill (a lesser-known actor) who is a super hero by night and a mild mannered thereapist by day. Except that instead of super powers he rapes little boys.

The film is filled with drawn out dialogue that seems awkward, unnatural and redundant. The writer/director seems to think actors are emotionless voiceboxes who must constantly explaining how they feel and why they are doing something.

Many of the scenes build up like they're supposed to be funny, like super-rapist Bill's slow-motion, swaying music zoom in on one of his son's friends at a baseball game. But then it keeps going on, and we realize that it's not meant so much as dark joke but just some really creepy shit. The boy stays over at Bill's house, prompting the good Doctor to spike his tuna sandwich with roofies and proceeding to attack the boy, leaving the boy confused and a little bloody.

This film is not terrible because it's creepy, but because it uses excessive creepiness to overshadow bad writing. It's both smug and poor quality. Using taboo subjects alone is not interesting, characters need to be somewhat realistic to have depth.

That leads us to Billy, the pedo's son. Billy is simply the strangest boy ever portrayed on film. The only way for him to make sense is to add scene where he's dropped off by aliens. This kid has these bizarre conversations with his pedo dad about sex that eventually veer into sheer ridiculousness. First, he walks in and asks his dad what cum is, then explains that he's upset because every other boy in his class has jerked off but him. In the real world kids find outlets other than their parents to for this type of information. There are schoolyards full of children who pass down information from older brothers and drunken uncles. And I'm pretty sure the internet existed in 1998.

Furthermore, at no stage in a man's social life is there anything cool about jerkin your own sausage. The competition begins when we start getting girls involved in the process. Your personal awesomeness in a male circle of friends is largely based on how many chicks you can get naked, and how hot they are. So this entire conversation is painfully retarded from the get-go and suggests something very dark about the director himself. It comes across as a veiled excuse for the director to have children talking about jerkin it, which reveals him as crossing that thin line to pervert rather than an artist making even a vague point of some kind.

It doesn't help that you want to smack that stupid look off of Billy's face too. For some reason the director always frames him with a lamp just behind his goofy head with those giant oversized glasses and his eyes all watery.

Getting into levels of indescribable creepiness, rapist dad and alien have a conversation at one point about weiner size. Billy actually says to his father "I bet your penis is longer and thicker than all the rest".

Maybe there's supposed to be some sick irony, but it just comes off as dumb because no boy in the history of mankind would ever say those words to his father. Honestly, how did that line even get filmed? Was there no one to tell the director "hey, you're acting out some personal fetish at this point!".

Anyway, the rest of the movie is more depressing tedium. The good doctor rapes another kid, skipping the roofies this ,and get's arrested.

That brings up another point, why are police in movies so hilariously useless? Rest assured if cops show up in a film they are going to dismiss even the toughest evidence. The funniest example I can think of is Rob Zombie's crappy halloween remake. Wherein multiple people are being found murdered the day after a world-famous serial killer has escaped from a nearby mental institution, and the police chief is damned if he can see any no connection or reason to be alarmed whatsoever. This film is not quite that bad, but I'm pretty sure a judge would throw in some conditions with bailing a confessed pedophile.

In my entire life this is the only film that I can remember not being able to finish. I had to read about the ending about off the internet. Fuck this movie.

Life

2011-05-30T18:38:00.001-07:00

Life is not for the weak. We assume that the lucky are shielded by privilege and wealth but nothing can protect one from pain. Physical, emotional, it will find you. That is the point of life, an endless series of random challenges, in no particular order of difficulty. The only way to win is to find happiness. Do not let life break you, hard as it may try. Lost a leg? Crutches are convenient and fashionable. Blindness? You'll never know how ugly your wife is. Crippled, burned and in constant pain? Find a nice window and enjoy the sunset. Blind, deaf, dumb, obese and stupid? Concentrate real hard and enjoy every fart like it's your last. Whatever happens, do not break, do not show weakness. Nothing is given in this world, it must be taken, formed, beaten into the image you desire. If you don't feel up to challenge, don't worry, you'll soon be dead and forgotten.

Soccer is the worst sport in the world

2011-04-02T10:23:00.000-07:00

Soccer is the one sport that doesn't need to be dumbed-down for little kids. There are things like T-ball and flag football because little ones aren't quite ready for the physical rigors and complicated rules of adult sports. Not soccer, though, soccer is so stupidly simple that even the most retarded, obese, club-footed kids can play the game under FIFA rules.

Soccer is so lame that little league is more entertaining than the pros. Kids at least will focus on scoring goals, not caring if they bump into each other. Adult soccer players will leap through the air like fairies if anyone breathes on them too hard. It's the only sport in the world where acting like a giant pussy is a strategic advantage. How can you even consider yourself an athlete, when your sport requires you to practice crying like a little bitch if someone grazes you?

Not only is soccer a terrible sport, but soccer fans are terrible people. It is popular for one reason, and it's a nasty little thing called NATIONALISM.

Fans don't give a shit about the game. It's not physically possible to get excited about a sport that often involves zero points for 90 minutes. But it attracts a fucked-up type of person who think people from their area are superior than people across and imaginary line. They see winning a soccer game as some sort of validation of their prejudices. And as such they take to rioting and acting like maniacs if they lose.

Things get especially crazy because literally any country could have a successful soccer team. The reason being that soccer is very, very cheap. A lot of countries lack the well-funded training programs and steroids that keep the Americans on the podiums during the Olympics. However, soccer exclusively involves running, kicking, and acting like a pussy. No fancy training camps or complicated strategies. And the equipment? Goal posts can be rocks, and a ball can be made out of leather and sticks. No big flashy stadiums, no layers of expensive equipment, no complicated rules.

So everyone can compete, and if things don't go their way they go fucking apeshit, because they have no other sport, and they have built it up in their minds that there is some connection between people a person's value and a shitty sports team. To the point they will beat someone to death on a bus if they are wearing a rival logo. All over a god-awful excuse of a sport.

I fucking hate soccer.

The Science of Old-School

2010-08-18T15:59:00.001-07:00

Like most old things, martial arts are set in their ways. Traditional dojos do not mix; they focus on a single discipline and never compete outside their preferred style. Bruce Lee famously griped about failings of one-dimensional training throughout his life. Fighting, he argued, is chaos and the correct method is the one that works. And yet going on thousands of years, the idea of mixing up the striking and grappling disciplines is only now becoming widespread.

The soul of martial arts will always be self defense. Combining differ styles is good because it makes students more well-rounded and thereby safer in real-life situations. But as traditional schools give in to the popularity of MMA, the roots of martial arts training seem to be fading. Some aspects deserve to be lost---breaking blocks is flashy and cool but not real strength training. However, much of old-school training is invaluable to modern MMA coaches, and in many cases is still alive and well under their tutelage. Here are some aspects that are either still in use or in need of resurrection.

Kiai

The old school: A good dojo is a loud dojo. Traditional sensei’s demand a loud, audible noise during all strikes and take-downs. Kung Fu experts talk about channeling the body’s natural energies through breathing and form, while others see benefits in the burst of confidence brought out in the student. In any case, it genuinely adds extra zing to attacks.

The science: Yelling forces blood out of the lungs and into the extremities, giving muscles maximum contraction. That rush of blood adds power to strikes or takedowns and even increases speed. The same applies if you were to use kiai while swinging a baseball or doing the long jump. While few in MMA let out a full-blown hiiiyeahh! during an attack, breathing out with an “uhn tiss” sound is common practice. But remember, only serious vocal cacophony produces the full effect, so practice your kiai with passion.

kata /shadow boxing

The old school: Most katas are a tedious waste of time. They became embedded as demonstrations without real function, aside from looking pretty and putting a marketable twist on a violent sport. Transitioning from different attacks, blocks and stances is all well and good, but without an opponent, it all seems meaningless. Nevertheless, Kata has been around for thousands of years, and some martial arts such as Akido primarly focus on shadow sparring.

The science: A good kata is a challenging but smooth pattern of attacks, defenses and stances. It necessitates perfect form including foot placement and even the shape and angle of strikes. When done properly, kata and shadow sparring can be valuable training tools. Conditioning small details like posture and balance can make a big difference in power and reaction time. Shadow sparring has similar principles--when done in front of a mirror, glaring holes in attacks and transitions become obvious, enabling the student to minimize openings and hesitation.

But most importantly, these training techniques can minimize telegraphing. Kata emphasizes smooth transitions, which hides tells i.e. dropping shoulders. Also, shadow sparring enables the student to practice striking and fakes at full speed for an extended period of time--memorizing more complicated combinations. Any MMA fighter with a decent boxing coach will have to suffer through plenty of imaginary fights. Plus Machida does Kata. On the beach.

The Rankings System

The old school: Trivialized since it’s inception, the rankings system is the first thing sacrificed when a dojo is struggling for attendance. Quick belt tests bring in much needed extra cash while demeaning martial arts as a whole. Black belts are supposed to take about ten years of training as well as the maturity and discipline to truly master an entire curriculum; and yet some clubs will hand them out to 14 year-olds. Nevertheless, the belt rankings provide an exciting symbol of advancement while students learn the discipline required for dangerous techniques.

The science: The science of the rankings system is pure logic. The human brain can only effectively learn at a reasonable pace. Overloading the mind leads to sloppy results. Students need to master balance, break-falls and keeping their hands up BEFORE learning complicated maneuvers. Rankings systems split up the techniques to ensure that students master the foundations before moving on to more complex techniques. They also make it easier to keep track of where students are at in their training.

Modern MMA coaches can attest to the strength of slow, steady advancement; trying to teach someone a gogplata when they do not even have a solid guard is a waste of time. It takes discipline and commitment to advance through the ranks properly. Furthermore, it makes a time-honoured effective test to determine championship material.

The gi

The old school: Once a staple of martial arts, it’s use is being hampered by an inexplicable preference for bare skin. Part of the reason may be that gi’s provide too much to grab onto, and enable submissions like gi and belt chokes that are fairly simple. The gi has fallen from a uniform and symbol of respect and honour, to a set-piece covered in logos that a fighter wears on the way to the cage.

The science: The gi makes training much tougher. They hold onto sweat like a sponge and get remarkably heavy, making long training session increasingly draining on the body. As a result, when the student finally tries sparring without the gi, they feel increased speed and endurance. Secondly, it provides protection from cuts and scratches and takes a bit of the sting out of strike by preventing pinching, slapping or tearing of the skin. And third and most importantly: it helps prevent skin infections.

Bacteria thrives on sweaty skin and unwashed mats, playing host to all sorts of nasty infections. A clean gi (and showering before AND after sessions) provides a barrier between you and the filthy, disgusting world living on your sparring partners back and arms.

Even though full gi in competition may no longer be interesting to MMA fans, the idea of allowing some type of upper garment for hygienic purposes is not unthinkable. There is a plethora of fitness clothing that sticks to human body like glue, and offers little for an opponent to subtly grasp onto. Considering the epidemic of staph infections going on in MMA, this is one throwback to the old school that could seriously help fighters stay healthy.

Writers Are Bad People

2010-07-13T17:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Reader,

My name is Chris, and I am a writer. You may have surmised at some point that writers---as far as people go---are dreadful, unpleasant creatures best treated like lepers. I have to say that is entirely correct, and I feel able to speak for much more successful writers than I, who, at some point seem to have become immune to their own insufferable qualities. Indeed, writers are terrible people who should be avoided at all costs, and now I have proof.

Recently, writers all across Canada, Europe and the U.S. have been collecting bitching and moaning in unison about Google. As expected, their argument is selfish, stupid, and like an obese, pregnant, drug-addict on welfare arguing that she is purely a victim of circumstance--it is only influential to the haplessly empathetic and dimwitted.

The beef is, so the writer's union (a terrifying combination of two evils) argues, is that Google will be getting something for free off writer's backs. It is argued that works without a clear owner will be distributed and make Google money without the unknown author having a say in it... as though Google must create a task-force to discover all anonymous authors or simply refuse to distribute such works. Also, according to the Globe and Mail, writers complain that if they opt out of deal proposed by Google, they won't make any money.

That's right, in the world of wine and cheese binges, they see it as fair to opt out of all contractual obligations and still receive benefits and monies from a deal. Again, they WANT royalties and money from distribution, but they DON"T want to allow their books to be distributed. Of course the real problem here is that the writers don't like being lumped together and purchased in blocks--they want to be treated like individual, respected artists who make the world a better place through their works. But they are not confident enough in those works to seperate from the group and publish independently.

The lepers further complain that opting out of the negotiated contract would leave them all alone. Dear god. You're opting out because you do not want your book on Google, and now that's unfair because nobody else thinks it's a good idea?

Writers are morons, I would know.

Rusty Business

2010-07-13T17:25:00.000-07:00

Originally published on 5 ounces of pain. Tuesday, July 13, 2010

“Ring rust” is a term that has varying strength. On one side there are recent cases like Yoshihiro Akiyama’s long-awaited return at UFC 116. Akiyama was never known for great cardio, but a year out of the cage did a number on his gas tank, leaving him blatantly exhausted midway through the second round. Conversely, former champ and genetic-jackpot winner Randy Couture spent 13 months playing retired before dominating Tim Sylvia for the heavyweight title in 2007.

Inconsistency aside, there is enough evidence to consider ring/cage rust a real problem. Missing is a clear explanation. There are three main factors that fighters must maintain during a break: physical conditioning, evolution of technique, and mental fortitude. While most cases of ring rust are probably a combination of the three, each affects performance in unique ways.

There are dozens of strength and conditioning programs available to athletes. But none of them can match real combat-sport competition. Firstly, it is impossible to train effectively with anyone you genuinely dislike–things get heated too quickly. There needs to be a level of trust; so fighters train with friends, which inadvertently attaches emergency brakes to the intensity level–a friend does not rush in for the finish when his sparring partner gets rocked, or crank on a submission like a title is on the line.

Training focuses on technical aspects, which are essential, but less draining than hunting for a knockout. Nothing can replicate the cardio test of a real fight. Fighters will run, jog or swim at the highest pace they can confidently maintain, while paying close attention to their breathing. Conversely, fighting has an fluctuating pace that puts the heart and lungs through bouts of spiking intensity.

The obvious solution is focusing on sparring sessions to build cardio, but that’s a catch-22. Even if fighter is willing spar with full-blown heavy-contact, a good coach would not allow it because the chances of injury would skyrocket. Getting back into the cage is the only solution.

All fighters have room to grow and evolve, and time off means lost opportunities to learn from mistakes. Watching fight tapes is a huge part of top-tier competition, not only to learn about opponents, but to catch personal slip-ups. Dropping hands after throwing kicks, predictable combinations, and telegraphing strikes and takedowns are some common mistakes that creep into fighting styles.

Such problems can be absent throughout training and emerge under pressure. Aggressive coaching can iron them out, but that takes weeks. Furthermore, not all training camps are truly well-rounded. For many, the only way to find subtle holes in their game is to fight a variety of opponents.

Finally, mental fortitude is the wild card because it can lapse without warning. Humans can adapt and even become comfortable under extreme stress. However, time away from a roaring crowd and a dangerous opponent makes for a visceral return experience. Fear can come out of nowhere and cut to the bone, leading to something even worse than diminished cardio: hesitation.

Repetition and “muscle memory” are what fighters rely on in the heat of the moment. Mental conditioning allows fighters to react to a strike, takedown, or submission. But with time off, even a few weeks, the conditioning begins to fade, and fighters have to think about actions that should be automatic.

When Rampage Jackson returned to face Rashad Evans at UFC 114, his wild swings were tell-tale signs of a long layoff. But the most embarrassing moment came in the third round when Jackson landed a hard left, and inexplicably stood back and allowed a bobble-headed Evans to recover. That match was Jackson’s 38th professional fight, but those few seconds were the crystal clear difference between occasional training and consistently competing.

Athletes from all sports seem out of sync after a long layoff, but it’s far more severe in combat sports because of the specific factors that contribute to ring rust. Still, rust does not hit all fighters equally, and is far from a guaranteed loss.

The next year will see some particularly high-profile fighters returning after extended layoffs. First, Thiago Alves, on the sidelines since UFC 100, will finally be returning for a rematch with Jon Fitch at UFC 117. And Vitor Belfort, out since September, is expected to return in the fall, probably against the winner of Anderson Silva vs Chael Sonnen.

It’s a dangerous situation for both fighters, but potentially extremely rewarding. Alves is being given a chance to jump ahead of Jon Fitch in the race for a second crack at Georges St. Pierre. Due to Fitch’s conservative (see: boring) style and reluctance to fight teammate Josh Koscheck, Alves can easily become the more popular choice.

Similarly, Belfort was originally promised a middleweight title shot due to his unique speed and striking power, despite never fighting in the UFC at 185lbs. The intriguing style matchup against Anderson Silva, and lack of real threats (including Sonnen) in the division, mean that Belfort may still walk into a title shot. It remains to be seen whether either man can overcome ring rust, as a loss for either fighter now would be a huge blown opportunity.

Forgiving Filho

2010-05-17T14:39:00.001-07:00

Originally published on 5 Ounces of Pain, Monday, May 17, 2010

MMA fight cards are fueled by wishful thinking. In the final weeks leading up to a big event, training injuries can easily sideline half the fighters. Sometimes it seems that the human body is just not meant to handle the extreme training drills cooked up by elite coaches. Trainers obsessively search for a way to give their fighters a physical edge—whether it’s weight-cutting to the lowest possible class, training in high-altitudes, or even urine-therapy.

An element of training that often goes unmentioned is developing and maintaining a strong mental focus. On top of the unpleasantness of weight cutting and weeks of incessant training, fighters still have to deal with all the normal sources of stress–family, friends, money etc. Power, speed, cardio and even technical skills mean nothing without the heart to keep it together. And sometimes the pressure can be overwhelming. Karo Parysian has had a very public battle with anxiety attacks, which cost him his UFC contract last fall. Also, anxiety was apparently a factor in Phillipe Nover’s fainting in the locker before his scheduled fight with Sam Stout.

Fighters sometimes over-compensate for nerves with excessive smack talk, working themselves into a rage, or ritualistic chanting–-see Diego Sanchez’s “yes-cartwheels”. But excessive confidence can backfire and keep a man in the wrong line of work. One has to wonder what goes through the mind of Tim Wills (0-18), Akira Omura (0-15) or Mike Suttles (3-31) before they step into the cage. Ideally, a fighter needs to find a middle ground between an emotional vacuum and becoming a glutton for punishment.

Confidence and motivation are serious issues for a lot of fighters, but the most notorious mental battle has to be inside 18-1 middleweight Paulo Filho. Filho’s first sign of trouble was his bizarre performance against Chael Sonnen at WEC 36 on November 5, 2008. Not only did he (the 185lb champ) come in four pounds overweight (making the bout a meaningless non-title catchweight) but he spent the whole fight drifting through a cycle of apathetic, confused and sleepy. He had an impressive performance the following summer against Melvin Manouef, but then didn’t show up to fight Yoon Dong-Sik in October 2009. So far in 2010, Filho withdrew, re-committed, and canceled again the day before a February 25th fight against Yuki Sasaki. And this past week he pulled out of a fight with Bellator Middleweight champ Hector Lombard, claiming visa troubles that were not confirmed by the promoter.

Filho’s actions would be more understandable if he had been coming off a savage loss, or starting to feel past his prime. But the man is young, incredibly talented and dominant in the middleweight division; his mind is simply elsewhere. More aggravating is that fans have never gotten a real explanation from Filho (apparently there’s some combination of substance abuse and depression). While Nover and Parysian were immediately open and honest with their incidents, fans only hear general explanations from Filho’s manager, Ed Soares, who shrugs and says that Filho has personal demons.

Fighting can bring out newfound confidence problems in anyone. And for those with pre-existing issues, there’s no reliable training tool to overcome the additional pressure. Whacking a tire with a sledgehammer and carrying a giant rock underwater won’t solve personal problems. Most people don’t even like to speak front of crowds, let alone perform in front of thousands while needing a win bonus for a decent paycheque. Furthermore, fighting can be a very isolating, lonely business. All the coaches, teammates and mountains of advice are irrelevant once the cage door shuts; everything rests on the individual fighter.

In most sports, a crisis of confidence can be quietly subdued. A goalie, pitcher or quarterback who’s playing unusually bad simply gets replaced with an alternate. Competent follow-up performances overshadow a single bad night, and the player’s career keeps chugging along. But in fighting, the only way to get out is to quit, which means a professional loss and probably walking papers. There is no team to fall back on, and a loss is much more visceral; being physically dominated is scarring to the ego of even the most hardened athletes.

Everyone has a breaking point. Forrest Griffin (a former police officer) burst into tears after losing via TKO at the hands of Keith Jardine. Mirko Filipovic (a Croatian Special Forces officer) said he wanted to hang himself in his hotel room, after verbally submitting to Junior Dos Santos. And at UFC 113, Kimbo Slice, a man who happily walked into street fights for years, had a funny expression on his face after eating some leg kicks from Matt Mitrione in the second round–a bemused look that seemed to say “Why do I do this to myself?”

MMA fighters are the toughest guys in the world. But unyielding mental fortitude may be more than elusive, it could be simply unattainable.

Shattered Dreams and Eye Patches: Fouls are not handled properly in MMA

2010-05-17T14:35:00.000-07:00

Originally published on 5 Ounces of Pain, Monday, April 19, 2010

Most professional sports have specific consequences prepared for every sort of devious conduct. But in MMA, fouls are assumed to be unintentional and therefore forgivable. Recipients of illegal attacks are given five minutes to recover and then expected to man-up and continue. This is silly foremost because intent is often impossible to glean from a split-second attack. But furthermore it is unfair for a fighter to continue with the physical ramifications of an illegal move, while his opponent remains unfazed and unpunished.

According to standard MMA rules, if a fighter cannot continue due to an illegal strike, the bout should be either be ruled a DQ in the injured side’s favour, a no-contest, or a decision should be awarded based on the judge’s scorecards. However, those options usually require a fighter to quit the match. In a sport where careers can be instantly de-railed by an unpopular performance (Rolles Gracie’s UFC career recently ended after a running time of 6.5 minutes) fighters are under a lot of pressure to look tough and stay in the fight. Months of training coupled with the difficulty inherit in making a name in MMA will force fighters to limp on against their better judgment, possibly getting knocked out (see Chris Tuscherer after having his testicles punted by Gabriel Gonzaga). This is a situation where fighters need to be protected from themselves.

Fans want to believe that fighters can shake off eye-pokes and strikes to the groin or back of the head, but there are physiological factors that overpower general toughness. Blurred vision and overactive nerve endings make a fighter slower, disoriented and vulnerable. Yet on the rare occasion when a referee issues more than a verbal warning, the punishment is merely a point deduction. So if a fight ends in any fashion other than a judge’s decision, dirty shots go completely unpunished. As a result of this poor enforcement, fouls have affected the fight results on many occasions: from Cheick Kongo’s triple knee-to-groin combo against Cro Cop, to Josh Koscheck repeatedly confusing Anthony Johnson’s eyeballs with little jars of fingernail polish.

Fouls cannot be entirely prevented, but they can be strongly discouraged with serious consequences. Verbal warnings should be reserved for illegal actions that clearly will not affect the outcome of a fight. Conversely, a severe eye-poke, foot to the groin, or stuffed takedown via grabbing the cage, should result in automatic point deductions. Furthermore, subsequent illegal moves should cost points and a portion of the offender’s pay, say 10%. Fined monies should be then awarded to the opponent–just as part of a purse is donated when a fighter does not make weight.

Properly enforcing fouls would not only keep fights fair, it could also keep them interesting. Another type of illegal activity is “timidity, including, without limitation, avoiding contact with an opponent,” which was displayed flagrantly by middleweight champ Anderson Silva at UFC 112. But while PPV customers were becoming infuriated, Silva received only a stern finger waving from ref Dan Miragliotta after nearly two full rounds of prancing around. If Silva had started losing points for his goofiness and threatened with DQ, he would have likely started to care.

Imagine a little boy named Timmy who likes to play with matches. One day, his reckless habit starts a serious fire and cause major damage to an orphanage filled with particularly flammable children. As a result, Timmy needs to be punished to discourage him from setting fires in the future. He will cry and argue that he did not mean to hurt anyone. But if there are no consequences, the little pyro will not be compelled against repeating the behaviour. His parents need to teach him a lesson and take away his Xbox, so that he will weigh the consequences before starting fires in the future.

It may seem rude to compare fighters to children, but it’s actually appropriate. Fighters are functioning on a limited thinking capacity during a match. They run on instinct, impulse and muscle memory; there’s no time to think deeply. As a result, like the child, it takes a strong jolt to break a pattern of behaviour; nipping at their cash can do exactly that to professional athletes.

Certain actions are illegal in sporting competition either because they are too dangerous (see head-spiking to the canvas) or because they are cheap ways to injure an opponent that requires no skill (hair-pulling, fish hooking) and demean the sport as a whole. MMA’s continuing growth owes a lot to adding proper rules and regulations. And while it’s certainly true that most fouls are completely unintentional, failing to enforce them severely affects the perceived legitimacy of the sport.

Tears for Torres

2010-05-17T14:32:00.000-07:00

Originally published on 5 Ounces of Pain, April 3, 2010 ·

Low pay for MMA competition makes perfect sense given its current state, but that is a hard thing for a lot of fans (and fighters) to accept. There seems to be a resurgent outrage over published salaries like UFC lightweight Ronys Torres’ $4000 payout for UFC 110. But fact is, despite being the greatest sport in existence, MMA is not established enough for fighters to be paid big bucks.

Part of the problem behind this empathy-in-overdrive is the skewed perception of professional athlete’s salaries. American major league sports have some ludicrously overpaid players–from the NBA’s $5 million average to A-Rods $100 million contract with the Yankees. Surrounded by such excess, it is easy to forget that those activities have a healthy hundred-years-plus head start on being accepted as legitimate sports; as opposed to kicking people in the face or forcing a sign of submission by squeezing the trachea, which are traditionally considered criminal offenses.

MMA-–in its current form–- has only existed since the advent of proper rules and regulations. That shortens the origins to around UFC 28 in 2000–-the first to adopt the “unified rules” set out by the New Jersey Athletic Board. (Ok, there were smaller promotions that came first, and Pride FC started in 1997, but UFC 28 established the first mainstream event with the specific rules that are becoming universal in MMA’s biggest promotions.) Extreme youth for a sport is enough of a burden, but there are still legal hurdles to overcome. Only two provinces in Canada allow professional MMA, despite a huge fanbase in places like Ontario. It’s encouraging that MMA events are now legal and regulated in all but four U.S. states, but most still have not hosted a major event.

MMA as a whole is stuck right in the middle of an emerging-process. There is a lot of red tape to clear for a governing body to permit people to hurt each other in a new and exciting way. For a municipal government to host a professional MMA event, it has to indemnify itself against being sued by an injured competitor. Ridiculous as it may sound, a sore loser can sue cities for permitting him to compete in a high-intensity sport.

If a city has never hosted an MMA event before, there’s no precedent for what cautionary measures need to be taken. Also, promotions need clear guidelines from the city to keep the event legal–all of which needs to be overseen by a higher regulatory authority. Over time, the process becomes smooth and systematic, but the first attempt can be dragged down by bureaucratic regulations and become incredibly time-consuming.

In order for fighters to be paid more, the whole sport needs to grow. MMA promotions need to keep expanding their scope to bigger and better places to increase profits– which is happening, but slowly. While inevitability doomed in the long-term, prohibition of MMA in places like Ontario and New York is seriously hampering cash-flow (hence the recent schmoozing blitz by the UFC in both cities.) The point is that MMA, while awesome, is still small beans in the world of sports.

Presently, rookie fighter’s have a disturbing similarity to struggling actors. It’s as if there is a credit line attached to their name and image that determines a pay-grade. Whether it’s waiting tables, or engineering (see: Shane Carwin, the UFC’s resident Dilbert) athletes trying to break into MMA will likely find a day-job necessary. However, while MMA training is grueling, it’s not outrageous to expect fighters to work in between fights. UFC middleweight Chael Sonnen for example, is even campaigning for public office while training and working in real-estate.

Furthermore, fighters are not necessarily wallowing in poverty between events as the published payouts may suggest. They stay afloat by way of sponsors –as many that fit on their shorts, walk-in T-shirt, hat and mouth guard. A decent sponsor provides free equipment and nutritional supplements; a great sponsor provides steady paycheques for endorsements.

MMA is a viciously top-heavy sport. Fighters like Randy Couture and GSP compete 2-3 times per year and pull in a quarter-million per fight, plus a percentage of the pay-per-view revenues, sponsorship money and commercial endorsements. Conversely, even with mountains of skill and dedication, a promising young career can be derailed by a single inconvenient injury.

MMA will always have a stigma that keeps it from becoming ingrained like American football is to high school and college and hockey is to…well, everyone in Canada. But rest assured, someday the sport will grow to the point where MMA competitors will no longer struggle, but enjoy all the luxuries reserved for a NBA or even PGA champion.

Then after a few years, the fighters union will become corrupt and shiftless. It will declare arbitrary strikes that anger the fans and delay exciting fights. Meanwhile, fighters will remain indifferent; snorting coke and sleeping on piles of money with porn stars. Then one day, after MMA gets its first sex scandal–-the revelation that GSP has had consensual relations with every woman in the western hemisphere–-fans will know that MMA has finally made the big leagues. All in good time.

Do It For The Kids

2010-05-17T14:28:00.000-07:00

Originally published on 5 Ounces of Pain, Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Dropping troubled kids into a mildly-abusive environment is a time-honoured and satisfying tactic. Whether it’s the army or combat-sports, the general idea is to curb teenage frustration by straining young bodies and minds in a sadistic but controlled manner.

There are many different avenues for developing punks, but there is a mental aspect to combat sports that cuts particularly deep. Being beaten in a fight can be devastating to the ego. From being rocked by a left hook to feeling your arm about to snap at the elbow, it’s a visceral experience to be at the mercy of a single opponent.

Furthermore, being outclassed is something that happens A LOT over the first few months of training. For an angry youth, that can be both a healthy outlet and a source of important lessons about controlling emotions–swinging like a madman will not get you far against an experienced fighter. Technique, patience and strategy are key to long-term success; riding emotions and raw power will lead to a burn out and a messy end.

In the corner of using recreational violence for the good of society is the recently ended life of Bob Shamrock. Shamrock ran a special ranch for troubled young men on their way to becoming incarcerated adults. He made them chop wood, solve their disputes with proper boxing matches, and develop practical ambitions. The most famous of the “youts” are of course MMA legends Frank and Ken Shamrock. Ken in particular credits Bob with keeping him out of jail by channeling his anger into training, and encouraging him to pursue competitive martial arts as a career.

In the same vein, the New York Times recently ran a piece on pastors taking an active role in MMA training. The goal of these churches is clearly to attract the absent 18-34 male demographic back to Sunday services. But whatever the motivation, it may be doing some good. Church leaders try to combine the self-discipline and confidence required for training and competition with Bible lessons, “family values” and personal responsibility. Like Shamrock, they focus on troubled young men bursting with daddy-issues.

The continued popularity of war suggests that there may be a lot of pent-up aggression in today’s society. There is a bit of accepted violence left in mainstream sports like hockey, football and rugby. But there’s something passive about checking, tackling and brief scuffles that do not satiate the more vicious instincts. While machines get faster and deadlier, we find people just as annoying as our smelly ancestors did. It’s only logical that to keep the social order intact some kids will need a regular ass-kicking.

Unfortunately, Charles Daniel “Krazy Horse” Bennett recently took it upon himself to poke holes in the hope for a better world through competitive violence. After 40 professional fights and experiencing the full range of ups and downs that MMA has to offer, “Krazy Horse” should have acquired some personal restraint. Yet he was allegedly furious enough about being roughed up in a training session to leave, return an hour later, and assault a teammate with a large piece of steel in the parking lot. Though it may not have been his intention, Mr. Horse highlights an important dilemma with teaching delinquents how to fight.

While combat sports can be a healthy way of controlling anger, it will never solve the problems that keep the rage boiling up. If someone has serious emotional problems, it will take more than MMA to keep them out of jail. Violent crimes are common among young men in particular because of a fluctuating combination of testosterone, self-esteem, and emotions. Without some guidance and little understanding that can be an overwhelming situation.

Learning to control emotions completely is something that most people will never accomplish; life is just too damn aggravating. When stress and anger bubble to the surface, combat sports can burn it off like a little extra fat. But when emotions flow unchecked they function as fuel–a pissed off human can justify all sorts of destructive behaviour.

Combat sports training is a tool that can be used for self improvement. Getting beaten down for hours on end will take the edge off of most people, but there’s no guarantee for a model citizen over a stronger, faster criminal. The deciding factor in what people will accomplish is maturity, and that cannot be taught; it has to be absorbed through life experience.

MMA Monopoly

2010-05-17T14:23:00.000-07:00

Originally Published On 5 Ounces of Pain, Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Since absorbing Pride FC, the UFC has been the alpha dog of MMA promotions. It’s war chest of bankable stars leaves smaller promotions to pick through fighters cut from their roster or-- even more challenging--build careers from the ground up. The UFC’s dominance raises the question of whether increased competition would be better for the sport. Fighters like Dan Henderson have taken a strong stance on behalf of the smaller fighting promotions, arguing that athletes deserve a choice in where to compete.

The truth is that MMA, like all mainstream sports, needs a single, dominating organization. Big fights cannot happen if the superstars are spread thin among several mediocre leagues. A lopsided model is in place for every other mainstream sport ( NFL, NHL, NBA, MLB), wherein the fighters start out in lower leagues with the hope of getting drafted into the elite level. For MMA, the small promotions like Bellator, Dream and Strikeforce are there to filter the talent pool.

While competing organizations add strength to the fighter’s side of negotiations, the real deciding factor in that situation is star power. Every promotion is under pressure to get big names on the cards, and fighters are paid according to their affect on people paying attention. For example, Brock Lesnar walked into the UFC as one of the highest paid fighters because he already helped sell WWE events for years. Furthermore, the strongest organization will be able to manage the biggest payroll. Therefore having rival leagues will only help the very top fighters get a slightly higher pay boost, and likely hurt up-and-comers trying to squeeze more out of their contract.

It’s true that two high profile fighters snubbed the UFC in 2009 in favor of Strikeforce, but it’s hard to see what good it did them or the sport. We can only speculate what Dan Henderson and Fedor Emelianenko were offered by either side, but subsequent comments suggest that neither decision was based on money. Emalienenko was unwavering in his desire to have the M1 brand co-promote, and Henderson was upset that he was snubbed for a title shot in favor of Vitor Belfort, who he defeated in 2006. Neither fighter will likely receive significantly more money at Strikeforce, rather, they satisfied more personal goals. Also, now they are stuck in a promotion where the only interesting fight is each other.

Nevertheless, it could be argued that the UFC is not necessarily the future of MMA. As WEC is also owned by Zuffa, and Bellator and Dream are still trying to take off, that leaves Strikeforce with the best chance to take over. At first glance, their deal to air events on CBS seems like money in the bank, but it comes lot of problems. MMA, like boxing, thrives in the realm of pay-per-view for a reason. Commercial interruption either sucks the excitement out of individual fights or places agonizing breaks between them. Furthermore, the real audience for MMA is not prime time couch potatoes but crowds at pubs and barbecues. Nevermind Dana White griping about the losers who steal UFC over the internet, fights are meant to be watched with beer and friends.

Finally, Strikeforce must be second-fiddle because the roster is bordering theoretical. Their contracts allow champions excessive leniency with regards to defending their title–see heavyweight champ Allister Overeem prancing around Japan for the last two years. A championship belt is meaningless when a fighter can take off, lose in the same weight class and return as a champion. Hollow titles, combined with the weaker talent pool, ensure that even with a free show every month, Strikeforce does not belong on top.

The number of superstars in combat sports will always be limited. A huge part of MMA’s continuing success is that fights are arranged by a company matchmaker, based on what fans are interested in seeing. Compare that to boxing where quarreling egos and minor details in the contracts prevent a lot of interesting bouts from ever happening. Top pound-for-pound fighters should not be in a position where they fight “tomato cans” and pad their records.

Smaller MMA leagues have an important role; they streamline the waves of incoming talent and offer a chance for fighters to re-focus and rebuild their careers after a bad run. But even if the UFC falls from its throne, the MMA world cannot be equally divided. While the nature of the sport allows every fight potential to be exciting, there’s no denying the disparity in talent among competitors. Die-hard fans may be willing to sit through anything resembling full-contact martial arts, but casual fans keep the lights on, and they need to recognize the men beneath the bruises.

Phantom Head Kicks: Will MMA Go the Way of Boxing?

2009-12-14T16:21:00.000-08:00

As the UFC and HBO Boxing battle for the niche market of mainstream combat sports, fans are quick to predict the downfall of either side. The rivalry will die down over time, but with such a similar style of promotion, how long until corruption devastates the reputation of Mixed Martial Arts as it has boxing? MMA is still fairly young, so predicting its future requires a look at what has made organized fighting notoriously corrupt.

Boxing is both the most popular combat sport in the world and the crooked standard for athletic competition. The biggest problem is the boom-and-bust style of events. Unlike most sports where fans follow a team through a season and playoffs, boxing events are based around a few individual stars who rarely fight more than twice per year. Also, while having 18 weight classes may be easier on the fighters, it makes individual title-fights irrelevant to casual fans. Rather, only inter-league "undisputed" title shots, and undefeated champions against (extremely rare) dangerous contenders bring in the big money. Such factors whittle the cards down to an average of one huge boxing fight per year. As a result, profits are heavily consolidated and huge pressure is put on the judges, referees and promoters to produce a certain outcome.

Complicating things further is the relatively few people involved. HBO Boxing usually features 2 events per month ranging from about 1-4 fights on a card. That's anywhere from 24-96 individual fights per year, involving a maximum of 192 boxers. By contrast, the NFL has 256 regular season games with up to 1696 players and an army of coaches. The small number of venues and boxers—combined with the absence of teams—leaves less opportunity to develop a fanbase for fighters, let alone rivalries. Further cementing the rare big events as the lifeblood of the sport.

Much of the problem is therefore caused by the nature of the sport—individual-based with a shallower talent pool, hurt by the public's preference for lighter, ball-chasing sports over competitive violence. But the killing blow comes from blatant sliminess on behalf of promoters and sanctioning bodies. Corruption is embedded in the structure of boxing; it is actually customary for promoters such as Don King to pay for hotels and meals for judges and referees. The close ties of promoters to sanctioning bodies also results in official rules being broken on a whim, such as Roy Jones Jr. having his WBC title reinstated after retiring (and stripped from actual champ Graciano Rocchigiani). Furthermore, there's no instant replay or overturned decisions except for a failed drug test.

MMA, by way of the UFC, shares much of this flawed promotional structure, however, it is still in far better shape. An important difference is having only 4 weight classes. That gives champs greater recognition as well as cramming each weight division full of contenders—thereby title fights are both more important and (potentially) more exciting. Another advantage is the greater variety of styles. An MMA fighter can be famous for submissions (Antonio Rodrigo Noguiera), wrestling (Georges St. Pierre), Muay Thai (Anderson Silva), or simply being a terrifying loudmouth like Brock Lesnar. This allows for more easily distinguished stars, bringing out fans for fighters who are not even in title contention—see Forest Griffin, Tito Ortiz and Rich Franklin. That fattens up the overall cards and reduces pressure to swing a fight or break sanctioning rules to make a fight happen.

There are also important differences in promotion. Rather than $15-30 million purses, UFC fighters live off of sponsorship deals with companies like Affliction, Tapout, Silverstar and Lugz. Fighters get relatively small pay for an actual fight, but a lot of wins can earn juicy deals—such as Georges St. Pierre being the new face of Under Armour. As a result, a fighter's reputation is very important. While that may not directly prevent corruption, it helps keep the image a little cleaner—a conviction for say, rape, would make it difficult to get sponsorship. Most importantly, fighters sign multi-fight contracts with a promotional company, Zuffa, who handles all of the competitors, rather with an individual promoter who negotiates their matchups.

There are potential downsides to all these differences and certain problems remain unsolved. Most importantly, a fighter’s career is still largely out of his hands—instead of a promoter, they are held at the whim of an organization that may cut them at any moment. Nevertheless, as a whole, the structure that the UFC is setting up for MMA is not wired for dirty dealings like boxing.

The best evidence for consistency in these sports is the Pay-Per-View numbers. The annual top ten Pay-Per-View sales typically break down as 7 UFC, 2 HBO Boxing and 1 WWE. The UFC’s average buy rate is about 350-500 000 with a record high of 1.7 million for UFC 100. HBO Boxing holds the all-time record of 2.7 million for De La Hoya vs. Floyd Mayweather Jr., but has also had big events dip as low as 50 000. While MMA events do not come close boxing's highs, they also stay clear of the bombs. Overall, UFC cards are far more consistent and that is an important distinction. To maintain a clean sport there needs to be money coming consistently.

MMA and the UFC owe a lot to boxing; it carved a place for combat sports in modern society through ups and downs. But the most valuable thing boxing has done is made decades of mistakes for new promotions and commissions to learn from. Probably the only scandal that won't eventually hit MMA is steroids, ala Baseball. However, MMA, by way of the UFC, has both important differences in promotion and style and the advantage of starting second, which provide a solid base to remain a legitimate, respectable sport in the future.

Which UFC Champ Will Be the First to Fall?

2009-09-28T17:45:00.000-07:00

originally published on fighting-mma.com

The current UFC champions are the most fearsome of all time. Never has it been more difficult to take a title in any weight division. But no one stays at the top forever, so here is a list of the champs in order of the champs' likelihood for losing the belt, given the competition in their league as well as their individual abilities.

1. Brock Lesnar—Heavyweight

First off, Brock’s position here is not based on his history in the WWE. There is no argument any longer over whether he is a legitimate talent; he has an impressive college wrestling record and his MMA game has grown by leaps and bounds over the last two years.

However, being at the top after only 5 professional fights is a very dangerous position. A lot of Lesnar's opponents will be bringing significantly more experience into the ocatagon, enabling them to capitalize on any mistakes. Also, an upcoming match against Shane Carwin will be Lesnar’s first without a significant size advantage—he had 60lbs on Randy Couture at UFC 91 and 30lbs on Frank Mir for their rematch at UFC 100. Brock will either quickly become the best heavyweight fighter in the world or, more likely, get knocked off within two more fights and have to climb back up the ladder.

2. “The Prodigy” B.J. Penn—Lightweight

BJ seems to have some serious problems with motivation and focus. Going into the rematch against Georges St Pierre at UFC 94, he stated that a victory would be mean immediate retirement—cutting and running on top. Also, his endless crusade to try to have that loss overturned and decared a 'No Contest' has become embarassing. Whether or not GSP illegally had some vaseline on his shoulders had no affect on the many punches to BJ's face that made his corner stop the fight. For whatever reason, the vicious, hungry fighter that came into the UFC ten years ago now seems bored and lazy.

For most of BJ's career his notorious weakness has been conditioning—after submitting Joe Stevenson he could barely stand to hear the official decision. However, he showed no signs of gassing during his last fight against Kenny Florian at UFC 101, even in the 5th round. Penn has always been a very well-rounded fighter with incredible Jiu-Jitsu abilities and great kickboxing skills. With his cardio finally up to par, now it will be interesting to see how long a fighter can last with all the skills, but no heart.

3. Lyoto “The Dragon” Machida—Light Heavyweight

What’s fascinating about Machida is the relative ease with which he knocked out his past two opponents—Thiago Silva and Rashad Evans, both top-level fighters. But like his training partner Anderson Silva, he is tenative about taking the fight to the ground and it remains to be seen whether his ground game is truly at the same level as his Karate. Even with a size disadvantage at a bizarre catch-weight, BJ Penn was able to take him down and land some nice shots. His next opponent, Marucio "Shogun" Rua will likely to first to not make the mistake of trying to box with him, and may have the skills to find a chink in Machida's armour.

There hasn’t been a successful defense of the light-heavyweight title since Quinton “Rampage” Jackson beat Dan Henderson in September 2007. The division is full of tough opponents including dangerous rising talent like Luiz Cane and a re-invigorated Brandon Vera. If anyone can stay at the top, it’s Lyoto, but he has to take out a couple more contenders before he truly deserves to be called number 1. Plus the whole urine-drinking thing is weird.

4. Georges “Rush” St. Pierre—Welterweight

Thiago Alves said it best: GSP is the man. The Montreal native is the most athletic man in the UFC. An incredibly well-rounded fighter, GSP can exchange with the best and take down opponents at will. His confidence and determination is terrifying, as demonstrated by his domination of the last two rounds at UFC 100 while suffering from a torn groin. The only reason Georges does not get the top spot for holding on to the title is because he is up against the most stacked division in the UFC. Despite misconceptions about a finished weight class, there are an incredible amount of skilled fighters at 170lbs. Mike Swick, Martin Kampman, Kim Dong-hyun, Anthony Johnson, Paulo Thiago, Dan Hardy and Marcus Davis will all be studying GSP’s fight tapes, looking to pull an upset like Matt Serra did in 2007. And that’s a tall order, even for one of the best in the world.

5. Anderson “The Spider” Silva—Middleweight

Silva will retire undefeated in the UFC. End of story. There are no contenders left in the middleweight division. The top two under Silva: Dan Henderson and Nate Marquardt, are men that he already beat decisively. Even his attempts at light-heavyweight produced two first-round KOs. The only fight that would make sense for Silva would be a catch-weight against GSP; but since that is clearly not happening, maybe the UFC should consider setting up two or three-on-one matches to generate some sort of challenge for this guy.

Silva has chewed up and spit out the who’s-who of the middleweight division with ease. The only fighter who has ever even looked decent against him was Henderson, who will likely be 40-years-old and passed his prime before a rematch ever happens. Currently sitting on a record 13-fight win streak in the UFC, Silva will apparently be retiring after three more fights, but he’s hardly cutting and running; the man is just in a league of his own.

And An Eye-Gouge For The Win

2009-09-10T19:55:00.000-07:00

originally published on fighting-mma

On August 19^th, the Nevada State Athletic Commission approved a few small tweaks to the rules governing Mixed Martial Arts. They include a clarification of Vaseline use—thanks to a certain Hawaiian sore loser—and allowing 5-minute rounds for non-title fights. But the most interesting news is the addition of (limited) instant replay. For years there has been a debate over using replay in boxing, but only recently has the need in MMA been apparent.

When regulation is entirely based on one referee’s judgment, occasional missed fouls and bad calls are unavoidable. The solution is difficult because MMA bouts cannot function effectively with NFL-style reviewing. Imagine the long-rumoured superfight between UFC welterweight champion Georges St. Pierre and middleweight champ Anderson Silva. The atmosphere is electric, the Mandalay Bay Centre in Vegas is packed and bars across the country are overflowing with rabid fight fans. The fighters circle each other. Silva throws a couple wide hooks, GSP dodges, counters, and suddenly dives in for a slick double-leg take down. But just as the two are beating it out on the mat, GSP's corner calls for an instant replay over one of Silva's elbow strikes. The fighters are stood up, the ref strolls of to the side review the tape, and the excitement has been ripped out like a bad catheter.

However, the occurrence of overlooked fight-ending fouls has come to the point where something must be done. An incident that stands out in my mind is Mirko Cro Cop's recent blinding and beating of Mustapha Al Turk at UFC 99–didn’t ref Dan Miragliotta find it odd that Turk suddenly spun around and covered his left eye with both hands? Granted, Turk was losing the match, but that's not reason enough to dish out a professional loss. This is a sport where one well-placed strike can instantly turn the tables.

Falsely-awarded victories are an outrageous thing to tolerate in a field where contracts can teeter on professional records—especially when the technology exists to substantially limit the problem without damaging the sport. All it takes is the right approach, which is exactly what the commission demonstrated by limiting instant replay to both the referee's discretion as well to the ends of MMA bouts. That is exactly where replay can be valuable, as even with a clear camera shot of the eye poke, Turk is unlikely to successfully appeal the loss; commissions are notoriously reluctant to intervene after the fact, preferring to treat the ref's decision during the fight as law.

Allowing referees to have the final word on a matchup is understandable, but it also brings up another important argument for the addition of replay. There is an extremely fine balance to maintain in MMA competitions; every event has at least one fight where fans deride an early intervention by the ref. Conversely, a brief hesitation can result in a helpless fighter being pummeled—Mario Yamasaki's few seconds of delay seemed downright cruel at "UFC: Fight For the Troops" as Corey Hill ate punches while curling up with a ghastly broken leg. Instant replay offers some much-deserved assistance to referees who have to pick up on lightning-fast blows while dancing around the action.

Yet even with the recent ruling, it remains to be seen whether instant replay will ever be utilized in a major event. The NSAC's changes only apply in Nevada or foreign events where a representative from the NSAC is in charge of regulation. And the UFC and other MMA organizations are anxious to spread across North America as more American States and Canadian provinces begin to legalize events—all these new locations bring new commissions that will come to a decision on their own time. As a result, instant replay could be quickly left behind and unavailable when it could make the difference between a fair fight. Furthermore, even if it were available, referees may opt to stick with their own judgement regardless.

What makes martial arts exciting is the mash-up of precision, timing, brute strength and strategy. To maintain fans, the chaotic element must be preserved, and as such instant replay should be kept limited. But when the sport is not fair to the athletes, it begins to lose the legitimacy of competition. Anything that can promote fairness without damaging the sport should be included.

Mixed...Combat…Sports?

2009-09-10T19:53:00.000-07:00

originally published at fighting-mma

MA has come a long way in overcoming the notion of sensationalized brutality. It has evolved into a real sport that showcases incredibly talented athletes, thanks largely to a major overhaul of its flagship league, the UFC. Abandoning the doomed "no rules" approach and embracing proper regulation has set an example of a true competitive nature in the sport—it demands both more control and skill from the fighters. But while the UFC’s popularity stirs interest in combat sports as a whole, it is clearly not a venue for traditional martial arts.

Organizations like the UFC filter the sport through a thick layer of spectacle. For one thing, there is no official ranking system or process for determining title-shots. Fights are arranged based on potential excitement value and the popularity of the fighters. The process of cutting fighters follows the same pattern. For example, Wanderlai Silva has gone 1-5 over the last three years including three consecutive losses, yet he can write his own ticket thanks to a mob of fans. While Thales Leites’ days were clearly numbered after a poor performance against Anderson Silva at UFC 97, despite a respectable record of 14-3 by the time he was officially cut from the roster. The reasoning is understandable: fan-favourites bring in a bigger gate and more pay-per-view buys. However, by describing itself as Mixed Martial Arts, the UFC is associating itself with more than simply entertainment.

Martial arts are traditionally segregated studies of self-defence and combat with little integration. The path of learning is linear—a student chooses a style such as Jiu-Jitsu, Karate or Judo and then competes against rival schools of a similar discipline. Even the Olympics include many different elements of MMA, including Boxing, Wrestling, Judo and Tae Kwon Do, which are kept separated. This myriad of styles simply begs the question of superiority. Who would win? A Karate master or a Jiu-Jitsu master? In theory this is what MMA offers: a clash of styles. But in fact, by requiring athletes to be proficient in many aspects, MMA produces a style of its own. It is rare for a fighter to succeed for long by focusing on a single element such as striking—as demonstrated by gifted kickboxer Cheick Kongo curling up like a fetus after each takedown by Cain Velasquez at UFC 99.

Sensei Robert Krantz (7th Dan), is the founder of the Milton School of Jiu Jitsu and my Sensei. He recently mentioned his dislike of the term “Mixed Martial Arts”. He calls it inaccurate because there is no requirement to be a martial artist in order to enter MMA competitions. Krantz is not against mixing techniques, in fact he teaches Combined Jiu-Jitsu Arts (CJA), a style that combines many elements including striking, grappling and joint locks. Yet he points out how wrestlers and boxers compete in MMA tournaments, despite neither of those skills being based in martial arts. MMA also has little to do with self-defence techniques, which are usually a fundamental part of a dojo’s teachings. Furthermore, elements such as cage-fighting put pressure on more traditional schools to change their approach and accommodate current, popular trends. But, as Sensei Krantz puts it, "why would you go to steak house and order spaghetti?"

Martial arts have a hierarchy of training, respect and honour. There is a philosophy for living involved that goes beyond fighting and self-defence. Respect for yourself and others are just as important as learning strikes and submissions. Students are expected to take methods and lessons from the dojo and apply them to everyday life. Simply put, a martial artist holds that title at all times. And while many schools may be overly-rigid in their teachings, more and more have begun embracing a hybrid of styles while maintaining the important traditions.

To be fair, while MMA may not be the most accurate name, there is nothing necessarily preventing true martial artists from succeeding in MMA competitions. In fact, there is a strong argument to be made that such individuals have a greater chance of success; just look at the dominant careers of Lyoto Machida, Royce Gracie and Georges St. Pierre. It seems that even though MMA functions as a separate entity, the principles of Martial Arts are still present thanks to the athletes who choose that type of dedication and lifestyle. It is just up to the fighters to make that choice for themselves.

Put a positive spin on things

2009-09-10T19:44:00.001-07:00

I like this world. Not simply the physiological elements that make up a planet and life forms, but the materialistic, consumer-based culture that mankind has created in its image. I like that our society is more interested in watching attractive people argue rather than dissecting the latest poetry. I like that sports have such a prominent place in a world so riddled with suffering. I like how the world is individualistic, selfish and consumed with money and greed. Why? because it's honest. Superficial qualities are as natural and important to mankind as love, innovation and intellectual discourse. Deep down we're out to protect, preserve and improve the quality of life for only ourselves and our family; why pretend otherwise?

Furthermore, the darkest sides of humanity come from extremes of desperation: poverty, illness, hunger--all things that human civilization is not only focusing on eliminating, but replacing them with indulgence and gluttony by any means necessary. When people are fat, happy and the right chemicals are sloshing around in their brains, they don't bother raping and murdering others. So there you have it, the selfish gene is our ticket to world peace. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

The (somewhat bullshit) "Story of Stuff”

2009-08-09T14:18:00.000-07:00

The short video “The Story of Stuff” (http://www.storyofstuff.com/) is a collection of well-meaning philosophy and shrewed observations overloaded with factual inaccuracies and a confused philosophy. I’d be happy to concede to film’s points on environmental issues except that the narrator, Annie Leonard, tends to stretch everything into a worldwide conspiracy.

A part that really caught my attention was the suggestion that most products (pillows was the main example) contain extremely hazardous chemicals, and that these go unchecked into the marketplace, where they may or may not interact with each other to make an even more unsafe atmosphere. I’m not sure if Annie is aware of CSA, CAN-CGSB, AAMA or the dozens of other regulatory bodies that set safety standards for products-—though I get the feeling she wouldn’t like them because they are a bit closer to “corporations” than government entities. I’ve been working in materials testing for over 2 years now, in that time I’ve seen Chinese baby toys fail lead-content tests by miles, and I’ve tested mattresses and pillows—-one of which I was lucky enough to get to keep and I sleep on it every night.

Now, it’s entirely possible that Annie and her latte-sipping friends are smarter than all the physicists, engineers, and technologists who work in the 280 Bodycote facilities in twenty six countries around the world. But based on my own humble experience, if pillows were giving off some equivalent of neurotoxins, someone in the testing business would have noticed. If all this consumerism and lax safety standards are the result of this big-business conspiracy, why would be make sure that baby bottles not have lead in them, but allow pillows to give people tumours?

I could go on about ridiculous comments about throwing out an entire computer to replace the processor (the only other thing you'll necessarily have to replace is the motherboard) but what I really took issue with was the underlying anti-capitalist, anti-materialism philosophy. This is the point that keeps me at odds with environmental movements; why do they all have to be drenched in this nauseating hatred for modern civilization?

Mother Nature is a nasty, cold-hearted bitch. She inter-weaves violence and suffering to survival at all stages. Indiscriminate death and destruction is the habit of the world whether we are here or not. Mankind is now at a point of convenience and comfort that could only be fantasized by our ancestors. The natural state of this world is a never-ending search for comfort and security. To travel in a self-contained, temperature-controlled vehicle while talking to a friend on a cell phone is the pinnacle of human achievement.

Environmentalists want to “preserve” a phony concept of the world that never existed; wherein people live in comfort, security and convenience without hurting the planet, like Neolithic or 17th century North American aboriginals—whom, by the way, drove many species to extinction and lacked any concept of empiricism or legitimate medicine. The ideology is emboldened by middle-class guilt about selfish conveniences and the rarity of needing to exercise self-control. To sacrifice for the good of the earth, to abandon luxuries for a greater cause is all well and noble; but to stop progress in the fields of convenience because we’ve gone too far is terribly misguided.

There's nothing wrong with taking a bus, or recycling or driving a hybrid; indeed, everyone should be free to inconvenience themselves. The problem with this movement is the goal is not voluntary initiative but a fascist directive that forces all to comply. People like Annie spend their time preaching that simple volunteerism acts are not enough, that we need government-mandated control. However, clean-burning fuels and revolutionary vehicles and combustion systems have enough inherent value to ensure their swift development and deployment. The first car company to put a vehicle on the market that gets 200 miles to the gallon would destroy the competition in a free-market.

All progress ever made in this world is because of human beings. Of all the species to come and go we are the only ones who have made great leaps forward in creating a meaningful existence. Without humans, there would still be plenty of suffering, disease, and violence; but human technology can cure disease, provide shelter from the elements and slaughter animals at a pace consistent with individual consumer demand for tasty varieties of pig flesh. We produce a purpose to all the mess, a gradual improvement in life through increase convenience, protection and satisfaction.

Because the products and services that have been labeled the enemy are all vices of human individual choice, their abandonment must be voluntary as well. The ice caps may melt, disease may spread but what is the point of living if life becomes stagnant? If we give up progress, rationalism, reason, efficiency and the strengthening of our greatest capacities-–which are not mutually exclusive to morality—-we shit on every suffering individual who dreams of a better world.

It’s unfortunate that environmentalism's relevant points are lost in a haze of the current religious movement, much like fiscal conservatism was turned into a grey shitcloud by Ronald Reagan. But the biggest problem is that those who are most concerned with the environment choose the worst possible route for solutions: the government. The government has a lot of pockets to line and subsidies to dish out and votes to sway before it risks doing something against powerful energy companies that is politically hazardous.

McFreedom

2009-08-09T13:05:00.000-07:00

With the economy squeezing American states where it hurts (legally-obligated balanced budgets) more and more are turning to “sin taxes”—increased costs on unhealthy or immoral products and activities—in order to stay afloat. New York City is eyeing a new 18% “obesity tax” that focuses on sodas, while Washington State is moving ahead with a large sales-tax increase on explicit movies, magazines and other “sex-themed products”. Here in Ontario, Canada, such tactics are old news, as is their blatant failure to positively affect public health. Almost annually, the Ontario government has increased taxes on tobacco. The result? 40% of the province’s smokers now buy their cigarettes tax-free from Native reserves.

Sin-taxes are defended as saving costs in the healthcare system and improving the moral fiber of society; inflated prices supposedly discourage over-indulgence. This is a hollow argument because such taxes do not make healthy food/ habits any more affordable. Rather than creating an accessible alternative, selectively hiking prices will make everyone more irritated and even less receptive to the elitist message. The philosophy of protecting people from themselves quickly becomes wrapped up in contradictions. For example, all stores in Ontario must keep tobacco products hidden from view, to discourage purchasing. Yet tinted windows around discount-priced buffets are not mandatory—assaulting the public with the suggestive image of citizens joyously gorging themselves.

The power behind vindictive excise taxes is not logic or consistency, but a moral egotism—a belief in the right to place an increased tax burden on those whose self-regarding behaviour is deemed inferior. The only real safeguard against the millions of opportunities for unhealthy behaviour is common sense. Coincidentally, it’s the one you cannot teach, let alone legislate.

A recent Seattle-based poll suggests that Americans are open to the idea of increased sin taxes. Politicians will likely take ten miles out of that inch. But the idea that you can dissuade people from this kind of behaviour by increasing the cost ignores two important facts. First, there are no feelings of guilt or punishment involved with over-indulgence, regardless of the price. There’s just a feeling of disappointment or boredom that affects the citizen’s view of reality in general: a crappy job, loneliness, and a lack of confidence all make a box of Krispey Kreme donuts sound like a nice distraction. Secondly, addiction is fundamentally psychological. That’s why it can take any sort of form: food, chemicals, sex etc. Curbing abuse takes voluntary social support, not random punitive measures. The correct approach is a consistent emphasis on individual responsibility. The freedom to choose adds an intrinsic obligation to live with the consequences.

The current onslaught of bad economic news merely accentuates the special place that personal, private indulgence has in our society. Easy to access and satisfyingly potent, “sinful” products and pastimes represent a point of civilization that mankind has been pursuing for thousands of years. Some choose to trade in their health and mental purity for fleeting moments of pleasure brought on by condensed concoctions of grease, smoke and nudity. And that’s just fine, because those products are merely efficient refinements of Mother Nature’s offerings; while their availability demonstrates peaking levels of convenience brought about by human ingenuity. As an added bonus, the montages of overweight waists and bums in news programs about national health are becoming downright hysterical.

Around the time we master tying our shoelaces, there begins an exchange of increased responsibility for greater independence. Sin taxes represent a reversal of this trend, collectively demoting everyone back to childhood. Not only is it insulting, but it’s poor economics. Booming demand for vice-industries is perpetuated by the most legitimate means possible: consumer satisfaction. From junk food to sex toys, mankind’s inclination to experiment with releasing pleasure-causing chemicals has been an economic force.

The lessons of prohibition are debated, but could serve useful today. When booze was outlawed, drunkenness remained popular, massive amounts of government revenue were lost and the criminals developed an empire. Now a similar situation exists in narcotics: the laws have failed to prevent use or distribution, the underworld business is thriving and there’s a lot of money that could be a cold cream on inflamed public spending. Instead, the accepted strategy is to keep selected harmful products legal, but condemn them with social pressure and government warnings.

Prohibition and sin taxes are supported by the same union between governments and self-satisfied members of the public. While the products and pastimes under siege tend to fall under "fun and clogging" rather than “bland and preserving", what’s so bad about people doing what makes them happy? After all, without any indulgence, life becomes disturbingly similar to death.

It should also be noted that the global human population growth is not slowing down in accordance with the world’s economies. And as any social scientist will tell you: when income goes down, families get bigger. If we want to maintain a healthy, expanding population, it must be self-reliant. Freedom is a messy thing; the more you take away, the cleaner things seem. But the price tag is as limitless as man’s ingenuity and the good sacrificed will always be exponentially greater than the amount of morals successfully indoctrinated.

O is for Organs

2008-02-17T19:28:00.000-08:00

O is for sneaking into your bedroom in the middle of the night, pulling a chloroform-soaked towel over your face, slitting you open and taking your Organs

You are going to die. It will be painful, maybe excruciating. Most likely it will be slow, horrific and, ironically, the worst experience of your life. But it will happen, there is nothing you can do about it, and your last act will most likely be to leave a hunk of stinking human carcass shitting and pissing itself for your family or the state to pick up, wipe off and stick in an oven.

Here arises the issue of property, when you die, immediately the hideous body that you jostled around becomes a form of property with a particular value. It has no value for you of course because you are far away roasting in hell, but for living people it contains unique invaluable tools. Those organs that slurped and squeezed all the crap you ingested are still as useful as a toolbox passed down to a new generation. So useful that people will kill, steal and spend a fortune trying to obtain them. If you’re a WOW nerd they are like the ultimate adamantium helmet that protects 500% against everything and comes with one free coupon to kiss a real girl. Now you say "FUCK off, those are my organs and I want them to rot with me, never help anyone and be rendered as useless as my overall impact on this world". Well the Public Healthcare System is going to flip you right back off and take from you whatever is needed to save lives despite what you bitch about. All your life you sucked away hard earned tax dollars from the system with every nosebleed, flu and bout of herpes and there’s a hefty tab to pay. It is only fair that the debt be repaid in full and in kind with juicy functioning organs.

If you really truly object to the practice, then being a free and democratic state we have to let your selfish body get eaten by worms and your skull infested with beetles, but if that is your wish then as a citizen you must make the effort to have the forms signed to prevent any life saving donation. Otherwise, if you don’t get around to it, which you probably will not being the lazy slob that is the average population, your tab will be paid and the organs taken. Furthermore, if you ever find yourself in need of an organ, there will be a prompt and invasive investigation into your history on these matters, upon finding that you took the effort to deny someone your inner goods your name will be dropped to the utmost depths of the waiting list ensuring your death before any organs creep their way into possible transfer to your unworthy crap factory.

My Thoughts on Rooms

2008-01-03T14:47:00.000-08:00

The attraction to a quiet, enclosed space seems to be a bizarre form of emotional support, garnered from sitting in the dark and chewing on a mixture of Oreos and tears; all the while wailing about how the cruel world does not appreciate individuality. From a practical point of view, rooms are very unpleasant.

They are usually tucked away in houses like crevices in deep caves, their seclusion and secrecy proportionately increase the difficulty in maintaining sanitation. Most rooms that I have lived in have been perpetually cold and full of mysterious, unpleasant odors due to their tendency of collecting dead cats and rats. The only thing that thrives in rooms aside from narcissism is insects. Particularly ants, spiders and centipedes, which I have grown accustom to seeing at this point but carry a striking message about the hygienic state of my living quarters. That being said, rooms are the best place to get work done on that rarest of occasions when nobody is barging in or blasting Soulja Boy in another room of the house.

If I had a room of my choice I would use a cubical shelter as a sociological experiment to provide amusement and my own political diatribe. If a group of people are facing imminent, terrible death and are presented with a warm, cozy bomb shelter and their excessive mass precludes the salvation of all, politics would decide the result. The lefties in the group would have everyone die out of some lame principle of equality and hippie moralistic crap. While the self-righteous righties would kill the outspoken lefties, chop them up and use their bodies for sustenance, while raising the lefties children like cattle. So which is better, life without a conscience or no life at all?

There’s the balls-in-a-vice dilemma. The problem with the lefties is they will profess equality as an ideal state for humanity. In actuality not everyone deserves to get into the room. Some people deserve to be stripped naked, pissed on and kicked outside. Conversely, too many righties will become voraciously power-hungry and regulate all aspects of personal freedom, while secretly humping everything in sight until there is overcrowding, aids and a room full of dead hypocrites. So after all maybe the insects and dead cats deserve to have the rooms to themselves.

Fredrick Crestinfate

2007-12-26T11:09:00.000-08:00

Fred was a decent hardworking man with a strong moral compass. He never did wrong to anyone when he could help it, and took pride in helping those in need. Fred worked very hard 16 hour days at a scrap yard and most of his spare time was spent in states of exhaustion. But Fred didn't let that get him down, he didn't mind working hard if it meant his family could live a little better.

Fredrick and his wife Marie had two boys, Edgar and Arthur, they were only 6 and 7 when tragedy struck dear Fred. He had booked a couple days off work to celebrate their anniversary, and had taken the afternoon off to pick the gift and to surprise Marie. When he arrived home, he found Marie bent over their kitchen table with Gus the mechanic behind her, stunned at Fredrick's appearance. Well at that moment Fred lost his positive disposition, his passionate resolve floated away and left him filling with pain and despair. Fred wasn't really angry, he was too disillusioned to focus on anything at that moment. His spirit was finally broken. He didn't try to stop them from leaving, Marie marched out without a word, Gus nervously shuffled behind her pulling on his overalls. Fred checked under the sink and in the garage to find the most flammable and toxic chemicals he could find, placed them on the oven and turned the burners all on high. Fred sat and waited, broken, lost, ready to cash it all in, not realizing that his children were on their way home from school. Fred awoke in the hospital to learn that they had died from inhaling the chemicals while trying to pull their father out of the house to safety. The nurse promised to take an extra long break and lock the door, and Fred bit off his tongue and swallowed it.

Now the stench of Fred's body is more than just the usual purification of a swelling human carcass imbued with foul cleaning products. This stench comes from the very depths of hell, the smell of a good nurturing soul destroyed and flayed out on the most hideous punishments. The stench is that of absolute unmerciful horror that has bonded with his spirit for all time to be nothing less than the most abysmal bombardment on the senses possible in this world. And the only possible current whereabouts of Fredrick Crestinfate' soul is to be haunting my lower intestine. As this is the only explanation for the ridiculous farts I've been having.

Down with Life

2007-10-24T21:32:00.000-07:00

It seems unlikely that we will ever truly "beat" nature. Down to our cellular level we are designed to fail, to die. Our entire biological system has a built-in death clock by means of our finite cells and their short, pre-determined length of life. So we are really constantly dying a little bit as less and less is regenerated and we get wrinkly and stinky. Nature has its methods for defeating those who get too far, her favorites being natural disasters and most importantly: disease. Massive epidemics will most likely be the end of any species who wanders past their allotted time, unpredictable and savage they bring down giant civilizations like a pack o cards. But if we can’t outlast nature, we can still beat her. If our technology evolves faster than our stupidity, we can colonize other planets, alter the human genome and live long enough so that to destroy us means the end of nature herself. We might not outlast her but by fucking god; we can take her and every other smidgen of life down with us.

Cheer up, Dick

2007-10-24T21:31:00.000-07:00

The next time that you are feeling down, betrodden or overall fuckered, sad or spent imagine this: You are running down a long black stretch of highway in the desert. It is painfully hot and humid; nevertheless you are running and dripping sweat from your head to your damp, squishing socks. Your feet hurt, your back is fluctuating between spasms and your genitals shriveling up like a dying snail. Your throat is burning; the closest thing to saliva in your mouth is sand and dirt being blown at your face by a hot, stinking breeze. But your running has a purpose, a goal. To get to the finish line--right there! It’s only 100 meters away. Being so malnourished and dehydrated your mind cannot grasp the concept of time properly, so this 100 meters is going to seem much farther than it really is. You’ll have to believe, deep down with everything that’s left, each scrap of life that’s somehow jostling your bones around. Because it’s worth it to get to that finish line, so very worth it. Look! Each and every one of the absolute hottest girls in the world is standing on the other side, cheering for you. And they have kegs and bottles of beer. They are patiently swooning for in booty shorts and bikinis. For some reason, some of them are making out. This can be yours, this prize of prizes requires only your willpower to keep on going. Because there is a threat, depression, impotence, and every negative impediment to the mind body and soul imaginable is condensed into that over-achieving rich asshole trying to pass you. That ass-licking cockface has been besting you since day one, all through life through no virtue of learned expertise or developed skill but sheer ungodly luck and birth into privilege. And that walking piece of shit will pass you if you so much as relax your grip on this determining aspect of your existence. He does not deserve all those sexy women and beer, he has never even earned his right to exist in this world. By all that’s good, sacred, funny or somewhat valuable, you must defeat him and take your prize. All that is required is that you not give up.

Unfortunately because I have absolutely no idea what women want, I can’t envision a scenario for them. Perhaps maybe instead of slutty beautiful women there are a few handsome spineless men ready to bend to every will and ready for lifelong commitment and to change however you like. And they have horses.

what kind of writer, take four.

2007-10-03T21:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Sir,

I want to be a writer who keeps things interesting by generating real discussion. For an example, look at an important and boring issue in the news: gun violence in the GTA. A couple of summers ago all the local papers and media were talking about the rash of gun violence. The rise had everyone scared. Communities were torn apart, families destroyed, misery, pain and tears of the innocent. We watched the pundits and experts give their opinions through brown smiles. To recall accurately, in your best Forest Gump impersonation repeat aloud:

“I think gun violence is uhh… a negative thing that we should…. uh… to try remove from our society…uhh.... because it is…err...bad”.

The ‘expert’ opinion quickly became pointless and people have being getting progressively numb to the whole topic since. The first time you heard about young men murdering each other, the emotional baggage was pretty heavy; empathetic fires burned and outrage swelled at the injustice of the world. Then bitter, lonely winter came and time drifted slowly until the cold broke and then came summer and the stories again. This time everyone knew it was heartbreaking and depressing but the punch was gone. Now take that issue and squeeze it, twist it, turn it on its head. Look deeper or, if necessary, shallower. Find that little fact no one is talking about: most of the victims of gun violence have criminal records themselves, many of which involve gun crimes. Gun violence is a good thing! It kills criminals! Now some people are furious at such a suggestion, but they are also talking about the issue with a renewed vigor. The idea of upsetting people need not be an obstacle because everything upsets people. Collectively, people are cowardly. They follow behind loud voices and lose all moral and personal sense. They need to be poked and prodded and kicked out of their self absorbed shells.

I want my writing to breathe fresh life into dead topics. I may be hated, but if that anger produces an expose on how most gun offenders come from families who were impoverished due to massive layoffs, then we all learn a little and the issue is properly dissected.

I hope my writing will go where everyone else is afraid to. Why not? From day one everyone has looked at me like my parents were cousins when I said I want to write. It is a terrible idea. No job security and if you are lucky maybe just alcoholism and depression. But there are few reliable fields anyway, most people end up settling for a job that pays the bills because they have kids or marriage weighing them down and they give up and live out their lives somewhere between malcontent and bored. I want to change minds and make people them laugh at themselves. But if not, I will still make my self laugh, settle, have a family and then die like everyone else. At least I tried.

What kind of Writer do I want to Be?

2007-09-06T19:23:00.000-07:00

I want to be hated; I want to be the writer without allegiances. Any pandering or devotion to interest groups instills bias and bullshit in writing. When you let yourself to be lumped into a category it corrupts and distorts ones true beliefs which are formed from personal reflections on the facts. I want to be the writer that people say they hate but secretly can’t stop reading. I want to offend everyone and everything if necessary. From the over-drugged hippies to undersexed fascists I want them all to beg for my allegiance and praise and have it spit back in their faces. I want to be the one true independent, never caring who might be affected by my words or how they may dampen my reputation. I want my words to cut deep and stick in the readers mind. Not for shock value but to get through the glossy censored politeness that erodes most sources of information. I believe that what is considered offensive or inappropriate is usually relative and these are words used by people to dismiss works that point out uncomfortable truths. Wit and intelligence are the weapons needed to be relevant and truthful to one self. Any one who can be called an ally of the political left or right has lost his/her ability to see the morons that ruin both sides. Most people enjoy this world through self inflicted ignorance and further this through their selected reading. Many writers try to call attention to tragedies, to gather people together in feeling very bad for a few minutes until they flip to the comics or numb themselves with television. Life has no rules and few happy endings. We are all our parents’ flaws and our children will be ours. I find the irony of this world to be too amusing to want to change anything. Instead I'd like my writing to show everyone how god damn funny it all is.

Musings

2007-05-01T17:07:00.000-07:00

C: Love reminds me of God. There’s just too much uncertainty about them.

J: Like what?

C: I can only believe in God when I’m overcome with emotion. Either I’m feeling incredible grief or sorrow and desperately need something to keep me going, and find the idea of a God reassuring. Or I’m too god damn happy to doubt anyone’s theories and think well sure there’s a god, life sure is great . And when emotion is taking control, there’s no room for real thought, analysis or conclusion to anything. It’s illogical. It’s nonsense.

J: And you think logic is better than emotion?

C: More good comes from logic; negotiation, planning, creation, civilization. Things need to be assessed and dispassionately decided for life to go on pleasantly. When emotions get in the way things get messy, the most predominant emotion if it can be called such is hate.

J: More good? Logic created the atom bomb and ingenious torture methods that keep victims alive for unbearable length of time. Science, which is what you’re describing, is a power, and it can be used one way or the other. Logical, dispassionate thought is required for a successfully large genocide and the world keeps coming up with those.

C: Pursued by people filled with hate.

J: The ones on the front lines with the hatchets and guns, yes. But higher up they are carried out by careful planning. Hate is a strong emotion, but so is love. Love is our attachment to each other, our real relationships aren’t based on logic or rationality but emotional affection. Is a cold, calculated murder better than one that is passionately cold blooded?

C: Whether either one is more important, there is still no need for a God in the whole process. Well perhaps there is a need, but no real evidence o reasoning for his existence and participation in such matters. Love can be a beautiful thing, but what if it’s just delusion without substance.

J: Nothing has substance if you look too closely at it. And what you could consider substantial briefly may just be excitement at the idea of progress in your never-ending pursuit of purpose. When it subsides you go on looking for more. But life existed for you, ever briefly in that ‘delusional” time when you enjoyed yourself through the mental ecstasy of solving a riddle.

C: Exactly, it’s all so hollow.

J: You can make anything seem relative on a big or small enough scale

T: But in the end none of it will help you understand. There is no god and you’re just talking to yourself.

DEATH!!!

2007-03-28T12:12:00.000-07:00

Death Penalty

DEATH! It is the most permanent if not most severe punishment in our democracy arsenal. However, in order to be appropriately implemented in accordance with the values of Canadian society, the developmental background and character of the punished must be taken into account. There are those within our society and all others who are born into lives of great difficulty and hardship. Money and resources are required in one way or another to ensure a successful future free of the strife of poverty. For those born into a destitute family situation failure is more than likely. Impoverished "folk’ll" are unable to successfully pursue life goals due to circumstances beyond their control. The poor are more likely to work very hard for little to no reward, bear burdens they did not create and have to give up any personal dreams. They are susceptible to depression, substance abuse, violence and crime to alleviate, however briefly, their unsatisfying rut of a life. However it is almost exclusively the poor upon which the death penalty is typically imposed.

Those who come from a disenfranchised and bleak background are reasonably entitled to some compassion and hope in their possible rehabilitation provided the appropriate treatment and opportunities (though some are just lazy douchebags). Many of those who resort to crime would not have if they had a viable alternative or, in the case of many, treatment for their addictions (majority of violent crimes are committed under influence of drugs or alcohol). Most develop their addictions at an age before they could properly consider the future consequences. While they still deserve incarceration and punishment, we should pity enough that they should not be abandoned as we will never see what benefit the world could have if their skills and minds were allowed to expand to their real potential.

There are also citizens who were raised without any burdening influences. Some are born with every conceivable advantage, opportunity, comfort and all that is asked of them is that they apply themselves or at least appear to and continue the family bloodline. Family wealth, kinship-based post-secondary acceptance and lucrative job placement are just some of the perks provided to the richy riches. Nevertheless, even more often than the impoverished resort to desperate measures, these people piss on their privileges, are ungrateful of their surroundings and become spoiled, self absorbed narcissists. They have consequence-free access to the very delightful substances that become the downfall of the poorer. Substance abuse after all, with the right context, can occur with the comfort and protection of status and safe distance from patrolled streets in cottages and beachside mansions. Even better, they can pay others to be buffers in between them and the poor who sell the drugs to them.

Then, in nothing less than a vicious volley of their fecal matter onto the ideals and values that makes Canada great, these mongoloids resort to crime. Mommy and daddy do some insider trading, embezzling some of company payroll, chill an old lady or two and every way they can to scam the poor out of more of their money. All while their wretched offspring are out bouncing between drunk driving and possession charges, then they breach their cushy suspended probation and do it again with maybe an afternoon of painting a chruch in between. We have allowed every benefit to be given to these people, particularly tax wise, while those who work at the lowest level of their business ventures are trying to pay for their child’s medication and be executed for stealing money to support themselves. Given the ghastly disregard of their privileged status and ungrateful attitude toward their lifestyle that any poor man woman or child would switch into in a second.

There can be no rehabilitation for the well endowed. Their punishments should all meet the level of this despicable community treachery. What opportunities or treatment could they be given that they did not already have access to whenever they please? Therefore, any and all white collar crime conviction should not be met with house arrest, probation, community service or minimum security bullshit or anything that involves any degree of a second chance. These people bounce in and out of expensive rehab clinics like a merry- go-drunkaround. Each time they return they have nothing lost, everything will be waiting for them as comfortable as before, except perhaps their public perception which could never puncture their ego anyway.

The DEATH!! penalty is the only appropriate form of justice. They emptied their bowels on our society and have no right to waste our time or resources any longer. Poor children are often tried as adults for violent crimes, why not give the rich teens their adult size lethal injection.

Satisfaction, that is, justice, must be extracted from the poor by depriving them of their liberty and freedom as that is al they have. The rich however have finances in addition to their elevated level of freedom; finances and connections, which, to be fair can be passed onto their children, as the cycle shall repeat. If the family line does not learn its lesson before they are extinct, the capital will be collected and used to fill potholes and build a special discount Tim Hortens or something.

Glorious Gluttony

2007-01-30T17:10:00.000-08:00

The World Health Organization has called it a global epidemic; the prevalence of obesity is rising not only in North America, the United Kingdom, Australia, Germany, the Netherlands, Sweden, and Finland, but also in countries such as Brazil, China and Israel. In Canada, the prevalence of obesity more than doubled in the last two decades. Truly, the ultimate tragedy is that of the butterball children who will grow up with a buffet of health problems. But putting our selfish morals aside, what should the collective male opinion on this issue be? I say malevolent giddiness.

There are many hills to climb in our universal goal of attracting women (for this article I’m speaking only on behalf of those who play on the straight team, however the arguments presented apply to both preferences with a little imagination), and mans biggest rival is better looking and more successful men; Simply put, we’re all in it for the booty prize and we need any edge we can get.

The average man does not have a personal trainer or the time to use one, rather in order to keep up a reasonable appearance the average fellow has to find time and money in between working to support themselves to join a gym or fitness class and use at least some discretion in eating habits in order to compete with the aesthetically gifted, preternaturally wealthy gentlemen. This average chum should see the wonderful surprise that obesity of epidemic proportions is. Who’d have thought a little self-control would be the new Ferrari of sexual charisma?

For every walking trans-fat party in the room that sweats profusely after standing for more than five minutes, I get twice as desirable by comparison. Media stars with cheese grater bodies and rich snobby fellows who live off of trust funds, create ludicrously high standards, it’s only fair we have a weapon to even the score. There’s nothing like sitting on the subway and using up only one seat while my brothers around me take up two or three, then having an attractive woman give me a smile and ‘accidentally’ spill coffee on them.

Suddenly the average Joe has become above average if his thighs don’t scrape together when he walks. This is not lost on women who have to choose from an increasingly sweatier, fatter male population. Women want men, and the majority have to take what they can get. There’s only so many athletic bodybuilders to go around, women have to settle, and the more Marlon Brandos (elder years) walking around, the lower the standards. Rampant obesity is god’s gift to the ugly.

It may be said this approach broadens the gap between males by discriminating against such a large segment of our brothers, but this is hardly true. It’s not as though we’re keeping it a secret, the chubbies know the score, once they make the decision and taking better care of themselves, they’ll be welcomed into our scheme with brief, plutonic pats on the back.

But, you may protest, what of our brothers with medical disorders that prevent them from being able to fairly compete in the girth Olympics. Sadly my friends, war has casualties, and in the ever raging battle for the land of hanky panky we must be prepared to gently step on the foreheads of our fallen comrades to reach the fruits in the bushes.

The first order of business is to halt this nonsense of revamping school menus and informing the public on the risks of obesity. That’s just plain cheating, a conspiracy no doubt concocted by the elitist nutritionists who care not for our noble plight. This is not the time to harm the business of our comrades in the fast food industry; Colonel Sanders is fighting his greatest battle yet, creating a generation of men so hideous that I look like a god. If these reforms are not halted, the trend could be reversed, and we’ll have billions of skinny healthy men that all look the same, leaving the female market open for pillaging by anyone. Go forth my brothers, gorge your hearts out; drink that coke, eat that chilli dog, put some more butter on that popcorn, and with a little luck, I just might get a date tonight.

-originally appeared in an shamefully edited form on Thesoko.

Meaning of Life

2007-01-29T18:21:00.000-08:00

If the number of individuals pining for a particular request makes that appeal more likely to be manifested, is the universe is based entirely around popularity?

Group prayer usually consists of friends and family getting together in poorly lit room and praying for a hopeless, smelly, sick loved one. Apparently this process causes the sicky to miraculously convalesce. Praying with a group of fellow followers is a popular pastime for many religions, there’s nothing like combining faith forces to get the Jehovah-juices pumping. Earthquakes, floods, and any type of gaseous disaster all instil the need to implore together in a sexy party of devotion. However, what if someone is sick and they don’t have friends or family to pray for them? For group prayer to make sense the number of individuals involved must have some affect on the results. Therefore someone without friends to give any shits must pray by and for themselves and has a reduced chance of receiving Gods miracles. If prayer is in fact more than just talking to oneself and conditioning beliefs through repetition, then there lesson to be learned: the meaning of life.

The complex, sophisticated universe has opened her thighs of secrecy. The big questions all seem so obvious now and we never had to look further than the local high school. God damn, being popular really is everything. The orbiting masses of deficient attention spans with the intellectual depth of Spotted Dick really are every bit as important as they believe. More so they are justified in being as self indulgent as their little black hearts desire. Who’d have thought that the rules we all learned to survive the phoney social stratosphere in work, school and crappy parties are actually of omniscient invention? Contained within the walls of cliques, sadism, STDs, bulimia, duress, blood, tears and rising suicide rates are the blueprints for the cosmos. God loves popular people more than the rest of you ugly fucks.

This revelation requires a long, feisty re-evaluation of our society. For too long we have been creeping towards equality, squirming toward valuing those who pursue academics and practical sociological contributions over materialistic social lives. First, we must examine the values and traits of our new leaders. Those fascinating creatures who are furiously shopping, whoring and chasing balls for our entertainment.

The royalties of the socialite kingdom usually have the most resources. When cars and generous income are provided by parents, the subject is left with an abundance of free time with little to no responsibilities. People without the stresses that come with a self reliant income are more easy-going and pleasant to be around. Often they are spoiled assholes but nevertheless they reach the epitome of social followings; encompassing the peak of aesthetic perfection with perky breasts, high cheekbones, dazzling smiles, unseasonably healthy tans and personal trainers sculpting them into bronzed physical fantasies. This can also be expanded to exclude all handicapped people, from your average physically or mentally challenged person to your blind, senile, dim-witted, burn victim, and the like. Few people will bother trying to be friends with those who are different because the challenges and social stigma involved in accommodating them. Those with physical or mental dysfunction should be rounded up, taught to admire important people and function as backup prayers. Special-ed kids love sing alongs.

One cannot go very far without the will of God, and to attract his interest there must be sacrifices. Tricky morals can now be set-aside with confidence in their futility, the only important goal is having people on your side. Life is office politics.

SQUEAK!! Mr. Christopher!

What’s that you say?

Group prayer is based on the ideal of leading a good and righteous life that involves compassion and devotion to those around you which justifiably results in genuine concern from loving friends and family who pray for your health?

Babbling semantic jargon equivalent to anal expulsion!

True compassion has little or nothing to do with prayer. Pat Robertson can command an army of evangelicals to pray every morning to keep America safe from Harry Potter. It does not matter how good or decent any of them are, the important factors are just a shitload of people doing what they believe matters. The idea of group prayer is simply combined concern; collect those who believe in a cause and they give each other support while invoking God’s assistance in a matter. However, this is falsely enshrined with the assumption that people have any idea what they really believe and that the average person is sufficiently sane. People worship many strange things, such as celebrities. Entertainment television, magazine, internet and fucking Pop Culture Trivial Pursuit are all developed and maintained on the philosophy that the best looking, most successful people are fascinating and important. Fan clubs in the millions will tell you that they deeply care about Tom Cruise and Michael Jackson and will not stop short of praying to help through hard times. These people are no less genuine than someone praying for their sick grandmother, but if the essential mathematical aspect of group prayer is to be accepted, grandma is fucked and Tom Cruise will be blessed. Admiration nearly always involves some sort of dependency, and pathetic or not it can still be a heartfelt desire for good toward the person being revered.

Prayer does not require intelligence, and even then who is too judge what cause is worthy? How about praying against poverty or gay marriage? It is up to God, and evidently all it takes to swoon him is the bigger posse. For more fun think of how this would effect the debate on racial superiority.

So take heed young nerd who has his books knocked out of his hands or buttocks ripped by consistent wedgies and know that you’re not missing anything by killing yourself. Chances are that you are too far gone to make it back up the popularity spectrum or into Gods heart. Have a nice day.

Challenge a Vegan

2007-01-29T18:18:00.000-08:00

National

Challenge

A Vegan

Day

I hereby stamp a fresh significance onto today’s date. If anyone is under the impression that it is their ‘birthday’ please cancel your plans and slap yourself. No one will attend your shitty festivities now that the true meaning is established. It's a challenge in the league of Pepsi but more culturally productive.

The rules are simple:

The vegan will be placed in a small room (preferably circular) wearing a baggy jumpsuit embroidered with the PETA logo and given 15 minutes to debate with a caged carnivorous animal (preferably starved). This should give them enough time to explain their compassion and love for living things, every animal they've saved, how much better the world would be if we all lived without killing and how nutritionally insufficient eating meat or any form of animal products is. Then the cage will be opened. Just like the Pepsi challenge, but with slightly more people being eaten.

My expertise* on pigs suggests they will be an excellent choice both practically and for irony in that they are so delicious. But remember we can’t all use the same species. Preferably stick to land dwelling mammals such as bears, wolves, lions, coyotes and vicious wild dogs. Sharks would be a little one sided but would get extra humour points because they're endangered. Vegans are chock full of vitamins but may cause excessive gas during digestion so be sure to give them a steady diet of puppies and kittens the next day to provide relief. I’m hoping to make this a national event every month, everyone should send me their results. We can equate every vegan death with a rejection of their principles by the animal community. I'll tally it up, make a blueberry pie chart and we can finally put an end to this irritating animal rights debate.

* (largely accumulated through repeated viewings of on the films Snatch and Hannibal)

The Plan

2007-01-18T13:18:00.000-08:00

This may be my last entry for I have developed a plan of action that could prevent me from making entries in this delightful little project. I have been ingesting an overload of literature on religious topics lately and it has left me with a fascination on death. It seems there is one uniting principle, a trump card, a reason to hold on to a religion regardless of how absurd or unpleasant. The promise of a paradise is the strongest motivation in the religious mind. Assurance, or insurance of an afterlife full of pleasure or at least contentment instead of an eternity of torture or tedium. So I decided that the time for action is now. It is time to experience the one thing we all must at some point, to finally cross into the next realm. It will be messy, it will be painful, there may even be criminal charges, but I’m sure my pet goat is up to it. He volunteered, that brave kid. Besides, he released his urine all over the floor, it’s time he and I part ways. My plan is simple, make a small incision in his belly then crawl inside and kick its vital organs until he’s dead. Then sew it shut and wait. When god comes to collect the soul, he’ll inadvertently take me as well, and I’ll just jump out once we’re safely past the border. Afterwards it’s only a matter of a few fluffy stairs down to people heaven. What better way than for me to learn a secret of the universe? Certainly when God notices the mistake I’ll have to be returned to earth, with full knowledge of the afterlife. It’s flawless.

update: It turns out goats go to hell. Smelled like shit. Looked a lot like Tennesse.

A Modest Disoposal

2007-01-08T13:45:00.000-08:00

In our world of promoted self indulgence and excessive seasoning there may come a time when one encounters trend of the week idealists, those who preach of a world of equality, a Utopia. They could be sticking their nose up at your Burger King wrapper because they only eat at McDonalds or searching through their pockets (stuffed with pictures of the new Mercedes daddy bought them) looking for an un-requested copy of their new angst poetry to make you read. They could even be sitting next to you right now (the one with the PETA pin clipped above their suede belt). Their identity will be revealed once the radio chimes in with latest carefully marketed organic-stereotypes and their digitally massaged voices screeching away about how sad they feel when it rains. That special type of sound akin to a recording of a rest home on enema day set to a low quality doorbell.

Few things are more prone to inducing reflection and rapid expulsion of philosophical ideas from those people who, up until such a point, may have been sitting next to you inconspicuously. No doubt the sounds splattered your way will be a an loot bag of cynical observations on our hormone driven culture, salted like the fries you were trying to eat with claims that people need more values, more substance, suggesting that is somehow a better way for us to live our lives.

Picture a world with as much substance as this world has product-whoring: replace every gratuitous shot of cleavage with a quote from Voltaire, every reality TV show about a moronic celebrity with a half hour of live meditation. To truly see the impact, imagine a university in this grand new world. Wherein students are no longer divided by those who are there to learn to improve their lives and individuals who are there to drink, fornicate, live off their parents’ money and fornicate some more. Now they're all thrown in together, pocket protectors and jockstraps side by side. Society couldn’t survive at the rate that adolescents would kill themselves as their dreams of being better than others are crushed.

Without a money-rewarding society filled with empty people clinging to those with wealth, there is no desire to work hard. The dream of any bookworm is not the Nobel Prize but to eventually get a better job than all the people who are having fun around them in high school. When said job is acquired, or personal fortune is attained, they can indulge in utmost gratification of their senses. These intellectual extortionists will still be ugly, anti-social, un-charming, un-funny, and every other feature that cast them out of the social limelight in their years of education and hard work. But with money in our passionately materialist world they can obtain all the wonders that their amorous and study-poor colleagues had in small quantities at house parties and seafood flavoured strip clubs. With their resources they’ll get parades worth of incredibly gorgeous, emotionally inanimate women/men willing to meet their every request.

They create an entire market of ridiculously overpriced and pointlessly accessorized cars and other adult toys such as GPS pocket watches, walkie-talkie urinal cakes, vibrating underwear, and cryogenic freezing. They’ll fly past their colleagues who neglected studies in the early years and are stuck working in the underwear-folding factory the rest of their lives.

But in a world that’s not driven by sex and consumption, what is the reward of our dear nerd? To sit as equals with someone who worked half as hard as them? HA! The nerd itself would become extinct, and ladies and gentlemen we need the nerdy. To program our computers, design our high definition TV’s, foolproof our condoms, and invent newer, faster, stronger Viagra. Take away their lifelong dreams of the glossy superficial society that rewards riches over all else and they will succumb to mediocrity.

So the next time you see someone studying in the library on St. Patrick’s Day: salute the bastard, buy some stock in a heartless multinational, and be McHappy.